That Midwest Woman

Memories Attached to Songs (I)

The song: “Sleepyhead” // Passion Pit

The date: November 2010

The location: Somewhere between Michigan and Indiana

When I was twenty-one, I quit going to college and moved to California. However, between those two events, there were three months of manically trying to figure out what my next step was going to be. I was at my lowest point in my ten-year battle with depression, and was abusing some of the medications I’d been prescribed (which I may or may not discuss at a later date).

I was stranded in Michigan and had just decided to move to California with my family. It was about three in the morning and I had this desperate impulse to leave rightnow or else I was going to have a panic attack, so I threw together a suitcase, woke up my mom, and told her I was leaving for West Lafayette. I didn’t have my own car, but Mom already knew that I was going to take the car for a few days so I could load up the car with some of my stuff. Still sleeping, she murmured Okay, and I left.

I didn’t like driving on freeways back then, so I took the lesser-used highways to get from Michigan to West Lafayette. I had not slept in a couple days, so here I was: driving through the many small towns to Lafayette on sixteen hours of sleep I’d had earlier that week. When this song came on, in all its trippy, weird glory, it hit me hard and messed majorly with my brain. It’s forever burned in my memory, and every time I listen to it, I remember feeling the most exhausted I’d ever felt in my life, driving past farmlands coated in mist, and deer grazing. I remember feeling miserable and unhappy and wishing that things were different. That my boyfriend hadn’t dumped me six months ago, that I had more sympathetic friends, that I could move to Boston instead of stupid California, that my life was better.

Update

Image1. I got accepted at University of Colorado Denver as a history major starting in January.

2. My brother has been in and out of the hospital all month due to complications with what was diagnosed as Crohn’s Disease. He started a more aggressive treatment today.

3. I spent this past weekend in California so I could see him. He looks like shit, but he’s going to be just fine.

4. I put in an application for an apartment with a girl I work with who is pretty friggin’ awesome.

5. I’m having an Oliver Twist-style Thanksgiving: meaning I am currently orphaned.

6. I got to officially celebrate my birthday last night with Alexander. We went to a fancy French restaurant and ordered escargots, rabbit, and duck. And we had creme brulee for dessert.

7. I love all of you and hope you have a great week.

A case of Human Centipede Anxiety.

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I just ate some yogurt that was kinda-sorta separated when I opened it. I stirred it up and it looked fine so I ate it, but I’m not sure if my stomach feels weird because of the yogurt or because of my anxiety about the yogurt.

If this picture of my dog and me from when I was in high school makes you uncomfortable, we probably can’t be friends.

MUTHAFUKKIN’ SNOW

Last night, it snowed in Denver. I haven’t lived somewhere with snow since 2010, so this Midwest woman is pretty STOKED. Alex, a native of Indiana, not so much. (What a loser.)

Whatever. I like snow because it means I am justified in staying indoors in cozy sweaters and slippers.

It’s Friday…

And I have no links to share.

I’m tired — I worked like 6 am to 3 pm…almost as much as my dad does.

Instead of links, here is a picture of my dog living her best life:

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Imaginary Conversations

It’s 2 in the morning and I am counting t-shirts for inventory. I’m listening to Nine Inch Nails (which I burned onto my iPod from Alex’s CD collection because he has every album touched by Trent Reznor ever) on my iPod because Local Natives wasn’t exactly conducive to staying awake at this ungawdly hour.

Pierced co-worker: Are you…listening to Nine Inch Nails?

Me: Yeah. Why?

Co-worker: Nothing, I just didn’t have you pegged as a fan of that kind of music.

Me: Yup. I used to be cool when I was fifteen

Co-worker has newfound respect for me.

The reality is that I listened to Fall Out Boy when I was fifteen.

Unrelated, I have never been cool. Especially not when I was fifteen.

Roll credits.

A List of Injuries I’ve (Accidentally) Inflicted on Myself in the Past Week

  • Burned the back of my left hand on the oven while checking on the dinner I was cooking
  • Scraped the skin between my pinkie and ring finger, and the skin between my ring and middle fingers helping with floor set at work
  • Cut my knee while shaving (as if I haven’t been shaving my legs for ten years)
  • Cut my ankle while shaving (see above)
  • Bruise on my hip because I forget I’m not a disembodied head and walk into things (especially when going around corners)
  • Scrape on my knuckles doing godknowswhat
  • Bruise on my head from banging it against the roof of my car

Guys…I promise I am not being abused by my boyfriend. That kid is so skinny it would be more likely that kicked his ass. (Hi, Alex.) I’m just really, really clumsy and work two retail jobs (and getting injured in the line of duty is a very realistic possibility).

Early Morning Thoughts from my Cranial Region

Years from now when I’m finally a grown-up with a liveable (and annual) salary that hopefully involves taking words out of my brain and putting them on a computer screen, I hope to look back on my years working retail and remember the important things I learned:

Like always looking pleasant even when some rich person is screaming at you.

And how to be a functioning and contributing member of society despite only getting 3 hours of sleep.

And how to juggle an irregular employment schedule with a personal life that involves nurturing relationships with other people (romantic and platonic).

And the importance of coffee.

 

It’s 8 am on a Saturday morning and I’ve been up since 3:30 because Alex needed a ride to his school so he can go do something involving being on a film set out in the middle of nowhere near the Kansas border and I drew the short straw. Tomorrow will be my first week working two jobs so hopefully I won’t die. But I am scheduled for about 50 hours this week, which means money but also means I’m going to be stretched pretty thin.

Peace out.

It’s Friday (again? already?!)!

Wow, talk about a “fail” on my part…I meant to do a post about my history with depression but the prospect of talking about how I hated myself for half my life kind of overwhelmed me, so I watched more of “Bones” instead (incidentally, I am now on season 4).

At any rate, here are some things for you to read/ogle on the Internet that I liked:

One of my favorite fashion blogs, Tomboy Style, collaborated with Gryphon New York and designed an amazing jacket that I REALLY WANT FOR MY BIRTHDAY (cough).

From xoJane: The great tipping debate.

From Design*Sponge: Three fancy grilled cheeses.

From Overtime Cook: S’mores Cheesecake…which needs to get in my belly right now.

From RealSimple: How to make positive changes in your life.

From HuffPost: A Colorado boy writes a letter telling Mitt Romney his plan for America “would hurt us more than it would help”.

If you liked “The West Wing”, you’ll love this commercial starring the characters from the show. They came together to promote Mary McCormack’s sister Bridget’s campaign to join the Michigan Supreme Court.

At a soccer/football match between an Iranian team and a Saudi Arabian team, someone threw a grenade onto the pitch and one of the players moved it before it could cause harm.

Some beautiful photography by May Xiong. I’ve been following her Tumblr for a while.

Will someone buy me this Uniforma purse in Blueberry? Pretty please?

From Apartment Therapy: Famous writers’ small writing sheds and off-the-grid huts.

Self-portraits of an artist on various drugs. Kinda fascinating, even though I’m not exactly into drugs (although a couple of them I was once prescribed to treat my ADHD and depression).

From Thought Catalog: 12 reasons you should should never meet your hero.

(Image via Madewell.com, because I start working for them next month!)

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